I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We need a shit load of segways right now
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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