My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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