he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
