it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
