____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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