Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Too much gin, very little bucket
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
