my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
