arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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