I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
