So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
