My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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