Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
