I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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