OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
