Just cropdusted the office
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I touched a dick in church today
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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