He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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