was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
