now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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