I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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