Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
