You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
