I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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