Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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