I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
