Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
