Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
