I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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