11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
