I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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