I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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