I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
