If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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