i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Two words: nipple clamps
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