I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
