Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
