broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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