am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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