john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Sober January is a disaster.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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