does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
