1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
