i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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