Tell her she can't have a vagina
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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