My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize