I haven't been this sober since birth.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
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Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
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Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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