Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
