she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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