He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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