So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
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We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
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I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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