i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
