It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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