I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
