Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
