my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Are we still banned from the library?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
