Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.

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(805): View more from California

Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy

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(416): View more from Toronto

i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.

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(256): View more from Alabama

We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub

(410): View more from Maryland

...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?

(443): View more from Maryland

He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer

(443): View more from Maryland

Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.

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