I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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